Things We Lost In The Fire
by suki1916
Summary: You marry a firefighter and you're bound to end up burned one way or another. The only fire he wouldn't be able to put out was the one that he started in her heart and the one that took his life. Now burning in the aftermath, she struggling to find the pieces among the ash. Eventual Naley.
1. And The World Spins Madly On

**A/N: Yeah, I totally know I have like five other stories in progress but this wouldn't get out of my head. I'm kinda excited about it. And I hope lots and lots of people will like it too. It's a Naley, eventually and the other couples are wildly mixed up. It's pretty much completely AU and I like those kinds of stories. It's somewhat based on the movie, as in the title and a part of the plot but I haven't seen the movie and so chances are, it's going to be completely different. So enjoy and leave me lots and lots of love:)**

And The World Spins Madly On

"Hey bub."

A bitter chuckle escaped her lips before she could even stop herself. She hadn't meant to come out that way, but things lately never seemed to end up the way they were supposed to. Giving her friend a look that told her she was disinterested she turned her attention to look straight ahead once more through the windshield. The brunette, leaning on the open door window, sighed before opening the car door and sliding into the passenger seat. Picking up and shaking the empty bottle between the two, she threw out another concerned look as the broken girl beside her let out a loud hiccup.

"Bub?"

"Brooke, you haven't called me that in years." Haley shook her head, placing her hands on the steering wheel, gripping it tightly. "And I believe you know how to pronounce your D's now."

Brooke gulped, wondering what she could possibly say. There were no words, no sayings, and no possible sentiments that would ever make this any better. They remained in silence for a few moments, both staring out straight ahead into the empty and dusty barn. It was part of her job to comfort families, comfort wives, and fathers, and best friends, and coworkers on a day to day basis. But as her best friend, her chosen family sat next to her, a shell of the humble and happy human being she was the day before, she suddenly forgot how to do anything.

She had looked everywhere she could possibly think of in search of Haley. It wasn't an easy feat. When they were kids playing hide and seek or Marco Polo; if Haley didn't want to be found, she made damn sure of it. When they got older, and started sneaking out, it always infuriated Brooke to get caught doing the same thing Haley did, only she did it better. This time, even as adults, was no different. She understood though. If she was going through anything remotely similar…well, she really didn't want to think about that. But if she was, she wouldn't want to be found either.

"He didn't know I knew he kept this out here." Haley spoke, bringing them both out of the reverie. She picked up the empty handle of liquor, her eyes full of annoyance. "Whiskey. God damn Jack Daniels. Why is it that men always thing they can pull a fast one over their wives? Like my brain just automatically turns off when he flashes his sexy smirk and winks one of those beautiful eyes." She gulped. "When he did."

It was a sobering though. She had drowned the entire bottle, her husband's secret stash and she still felt nothing. There was something horribly wrong talking about her husband in the past tense. If there were ever a thought in the history that seemed so ridiculous it was that. She supposed there would always be a part of her heart that would always be married to him no matter what had happened. Resting her head against the back of the seat she wiped away some of the dust on the dashboard before she spoke up again.

"And this God damn car." She scoffed flicking the dust of her fingertips. "I begged him to get rid of it years ago. But no, he couldn't get rid of his first 'baby.' He never did anything with it. He swore up and down that he would fix it and get it running one day. All he ever did was tinker with it here and there."

"Haley, everyone's looking for you." Brooke swallowed wanting nothing more to help her friend. It was obvious that she hadn't cried. It wasn't healthy for someone so obviously broken to bury things to deep and pretend they weren't real.

"Nobody has left me alone for the past eighteen hours." Haley bit out, slamming her fist into the middle of the steering wheel. She blew out her breath and turned to look a Brooke, her face weary and torn. "I just want to sit here. I just want close my eyes and pretend everything is okay. Even if it's not. Even if it's only for a few moments. Even if it never will be again. Right now, that's the only thing I've got that I can latch onto. So please, if you love me, if you're any kind of friend you will just let me have this. "

Brooke nodded, giving Haley's hand a squeeze before stepping out of the car. Haley waited until she was gone from the barn to let out an angry scream. She had hoped, probably foolishly, that no one would ever find her sitting in her husband's broke down and dusty Mustang, resting in their even more broke down and dusty barn. Leave it up to Brooke though. When she got determined, she could do absolutely anything. But Haley had despised the car, hated the wasted time spent on it, but her husband had loved it. That was the only reason she was now sitting in it.

_Denial (de-ni-al): __an assertion that something said, believed, alleged, etc., is false_

That had last a whole five seconds. There were few things she was sure of in life. Things she just _knew_. She knew she could make the best quiche in the entire county even if that was never going to be useful. She knew that if she heard a piece of music once she could repeat it verbatim and it would be absolutely flawless. And she knew that if someone came up to her and told her that her husband was gone, that their word was as good as gold. Because she _knew_ her husband.

_Anger (an-ger): __a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong; wrath; ire_

It was obvious that she was beyond angry. Pure unadulterated rage was a more suited statement. An eight year marriage and a nearly decade courtship; gone. Because being with him, even in the bad, especially with the best, couldn't be called anything but a text book romance. He brought her flowers, breakfast in bed, the bubbly feeling in the pit of her stomach when he pushed a strand of hair out of her face, and that crinkle in her nose whenever he threw a wink in her direction. Only now, he was gone. That was gone.

"Oh my God." Haley exasperated as her slightly younger brother slipped into the car. "Seriously? Didn't you're wife give you the message?"

"Please." He rolled his eyes, before glancing at the empty bottle. "Hales."

"Jake." She mocked giving him a pointed look. She motioned to herself dramatically. "Look. I'm fine. My wrists aren't silt, there's no noose hanging from my neck or anything. And I can't even crank up the damn car to poison myself with gas."

"You're not cute when you're being morbidly sarcastic." He snapped, shifting in the seat uncomfortably. "Haley you're not even dressed."

She glanced down at her worn jeans and converse sneakers. "There is nothing wrong with what I'm wearing. It's what I wear all the time."

"Brooke didn't say anything about what you're wearing?"

"You're wife knows better." Haley glared picking at her t shirt self consciously. "Leave me be Jake James. You know better. Remember, I made your preteen years a living hell and you will certainly rue the day you challenged me in your adult life."

"Sweetie, you haven't scared me since I grew a foot on you in the ninth grade." He retorted, receiving a backhanded slap in the chest from his sister. "Come on. It's almost time to start. And you're not wearing that."

"The hell I am, _Dad_." She threw her arms across her chest in indignation. "Now leave before I bludgeon you to death with my empty bottle of whiskey."

"Fine." He relented, getting out of the car and slamming the door shut. Leaning down on the window sill he gave her a softer look. "Sis, the kids, their asking for you. They're confused enough as it is. You need to be there for them now."

Well, she knew that her children needed her. They were her babies. They would always need her whether or not they admitted it. The fact remained; she still needed time to accept it. She wasn't that far ahead in her stages of grief and trying to make her kids understand when she didn't wasn't going to do either of them any good. Honestly, she needed her children now as much as they needed her. They were the only part of her husband that she had left.

Because she was about to bury him.

"Damn you Cooper."

X-x-X

Walking back into her house, her home, was not something she had prepared herself for. The long walk from the broke down and dusty barn, her thoughts had been on any and everything except the funeral she was about to attend. She wasn't thinking about all the people waiting for her. She wasn't thinking about her lack of apathy towards the entire thing. She wasn't thinking about how she was going to explain to her children that they were really never going to see their daddy again. She wasn't even thinking about how they were simply going to survive now that the breadwinner, her husband, her supporter; her best friend was gone forever.

She was however thinking that she forgot the bread at the grocery store. Coop's dry cleaning was still down town waiting to be picked up. Their daughter's dance recital was at the end of the week but she couldn't make it because she was trying to pick up as many shifts at the café as possible. The air conditioning was broken, again, and they were miserable in the sweltering North Carolina heat. There were four loads of laundry waiting to be folded in their spare bedroom. She had to sew the button back on her son's favorite pair of overalls.

Life moved on.

The instant they had told her that her husband had died, seemingly the world stop. And it was only for a moment. Walking into her home, the one she had made lovingly with her husband, the quiet, the still that engulfed her was enough to make her feel as if the world had stopped once more. Someone dropped their coffee cup on the floor. Muffled sobbing could be heard from somewhere in the living room. Nobody appeared to be aware of the stifling heat at she was. And it seemed that the eyes of every one of the most important people in her life were all staring at her. Maybe it was because she was wearing jeans and t shirt to a funeral. Maybe it was because she wasn't crying. Or maybe it was because they expected her to break at any given moment.

"Where are my children?" she questioned to no one in particular. When no one gave her an answer right away she slammed the door shut and marched down the hall past all the stares, past all the heartache, and certainly past all the pity. "Charlie! Izzie!"

"Haley!"

She spun around at the sound of Brooke calling her name. There at the end of the hall, in a small black suit and a small black dress were the only part of her husband that she had left. Catching her breath, she slowly walked towards then, not hesitating to sit on the floor in front of them and pull them into her arms. Both heads landed on either of her shoulders and she whispered into their ears that she loved them as she rubbed soothing circles on their backs. Pulling back, she gave them a forced smile swiping away at her daughter's tears.

"You're crying?" she questioned her young daughter and the girl nodded her head, her raven hair bouncing with her. "Remembered we talked about this? When you were real little?"

"That doesn't make me feel any better Mommy." Izzie replied sadly, her blue eyes watering once more. "Him being gone someday and him being gone today isn't the same thing."

"I know babe." Haley cupped her insightful eight year old's cheek, giving her their secret wink for 'I love you.' Turning her attention to her three year old she took his head in both her hands and pulled him down for a kiss on the forehead. "What about you little man? No tears?"

"I a big boy Mommy!" he proclaimed, looking up at his Aunt Brooke for confirmation. Brooke ruffled his head and smiled down, nodding her head yes. "See!"

"You are?! Wow, I didn't know such big boys could look so handsome." She grinned, straightening up his tie. Unpleasing to her husband, their son looked clearly like his mother; mousy brown hair and already wearing big round glasses for his poor eye sight. "Bud? You know its okay to cry right? I promise you everything will be alright."

"Kids? Why don't you go in the living room with you're Uncle Jake?" Brooke suggested, feeling the tension radiating off of everyone. All eyes were on the young grieving widow and Brooke somehow felt the need to protect Haley from it. The two children looked at their mother for approval and as Haley nodded that scurried off into the living room. Brooke helped Haley get up and turned her around to face the stairs. "Upstairs. Now."

X-x-X

Swinging his bag over his shoulder, he stepped off the bus and looked around. The town hadn't change much in the years he had been gone and he shook his head at the pity of that. It was stuck in a time warp and the only thing that had majorly changed the dynamics of the dusty old town was the addition of a burger joint on the edge of town. It was always too small for him and he hadn't even waiting till graduation to skip down and explore the world. He had never intended on returned, but fate seemed to have other plans for him.

He grimaced as he ran his hand over his five o clock shadow and turned in the direction of the boarding house. This was a temporary thing and there was no need to get settled into anything permanent. He hadn't even informed his parents that he was coming back, instead like the prospect of surprising them much more. Besides that, he felt a twinge of guilt for only coming back, only getting in contact with his parents just because they were about to bury their son; his brother.

Half brother.

It was a complicated story, one that most people had heard time and time again. His mother, a bit promiscuous for her age had gotten married, gotten knocked up, and gotten divorced all before she turned the age of nineteen. His older brother was born two months after his parents had gotten hitched and sixteen months after that, he made his appearance in the world. Growing up, his mother turned a blind eye to the fact that her husband clearly had a favorite of the two boys, his own flesh and blood. He never made it abundantly obvious but it did cause tensions between the two brothers. Once everyone got older, even though the father/son relationship would never be there, a sort of friendship had formed between the two.

Which was why Nathan Scott had a different last name than his brother. Their mother had given Cooper the option of taking the Scott name but had refused. He told them that his father may have been a selfish bastard, but it was still his father's name and he would redeem it. Nathan stayed out of the family war; another reason of the ever growing list of reason to get the hell out of Tree Hill, North Carolina.

X-x-X

She carefully pulled the faded black dress from the back of closet, staring at it as she laid it out on their bed. It was the dress she wore to her father's funeral, some years before and she wasn't even quite sure it fit her anymore. Not that she had changed much; not even two kids and a marriage put that much weight on her. She wasn't stupid; she knew that it was customary to wear black at a funeral. But she had never had to dress fancy to impress Cooper Lee, nor had he wanted her to. Dressing up now, just to bury him forever didn't seem rather fitting of their relationship at all.

Words, just didn't describe their relationship. Their courtship was a whirlwind, starting at the ripe age of sixteen and they had been married the day she turned eighteen. There had been good time, and bad, and downright horrible but through it all, they had surprised everyone, including themselves and remained totally and completely in love. Where she was quiet and reserved he was loud and boisterous. Adventures bonded the two; rather it be their love for racing or camping or hiking.

They just kinda meshed.

Unzipping the plastic covering, she gently lifted the dress from the back, blowing the dust off. Taking a defeated seat on the bed she hugged the dress to her body, wanting to cry but refusing to allow them to fall. It wasn't fair, any of it. His damn dream killed him, killing hers along the way. She set the dress off to the side, toeing off her shoes and shimming out of her jeans. Next, her shirt was pulled off her body and tossed to the side as she slid the dress over her head and down her slender frame. Eying herself in the full length mirror, she could almost call herself pretty if it hadn't been for the melancholy of the situation and the sadness clouding her eyes.

Meticulously she pulled her loose hair into a tight bun and placed her grandmother's hoops through her ears. She hesitated to put the necklace that Cooper gave on their first wedding anniversary but knew that he would've liked it there. It wasn't much of anything; a simple silver chain with her birthstone dangling in the center but it had meant the world to him to get it for her and it had meant the world for her to receive it. She opted for her ballet flats instead of the heels Brooke had not so subtly placed in her room knowing that she would remain on her feet for the majority of the day. Looking over at herself in the mirror, she knew she was ready to pretend that she was ready to bury her husband.

"Ready?" Brooke asked, knocking on the door as she opened it. Haley gave her a tight smile and nodded, grabbing her purse. "Everyone's ready to head on over."

"Let's do this."

X-x-X

Clutching her children's hands, she felt like she was marching to her own death as everyone followed her to the chairs surrounding his coffin and surrounding his grave. Her breathe caught in her throat as she noticed the flag covering the dark mahogany casket and the police officers from three counties waiting to do their gun salute. She fingers the fabric of the flag as she walked by, taking a seat in the center and pulling her little boy on her lap. Her daughter took the seat next to her, and Haley put her arm over her shoulders as Izzie settled into the crook of her arm.

Brooke took the other seat beside her, with Jake next. Haley numbly watched everyone else fill in around her. Her in laws, Deb and Mayor Dan Scott both looking their normal stoic selves. Her brother's best friend, and close friend of her husband's, Lucas Roe and his wife Rachel walking up hand and hand. Karen and Keith Roe, his parents, were right behind them. Her cousin Peyton, practically being carried by her husband Chris, as she too was grieving her own loss was the next person she saw. They exchanged knowing glances as they took a seat.

"We are gathered here today…"

The world was quiet once more as she didn't hear anything the minister was saying. Her husband was not someone who really believed in a God and he couldn't not in his job. When you pull infants out of burning buildings and watch people's entire lives go up in smoke, you can't believe in an all loving and all powerful God. She was positive that when he died trying to save the factory that kept the town alive, trying to save the people that worked there, that he didn't believe in him then either. It wasn't just her life that had been affected; it was a little bit of everyone's.

She murmured to herself as the minister finished up his prayer. She winced as the police officers carried out their 21 gun salute. In the distance she saw him and for a moment she would've swore that it was her husband that she was about to place into the ground. He was beside a tree, almost hiding, seemingly from the world. He looked directly at her, putting his hand up in a paralyzed wave, and she acknowledged him with a bob of her head. His brother; the prodigal son had returned.

"What did you say Haley?" Brooke whispered into her ear after the officers were done. "I couldn't hear you over the guns."

She gulped as the chief of the fire station handed over the now folding flag. "The things we lost in the fire."


	2. Self Conclusion

A/N: I know it's been awhile, for all my stories and I apologize for that. But life is very busy right now. Working in retail, there's really no joy or time during the holidays...anyway, thanks for everyone who reviewed last chapter. To clear up any confusion: Haley was married to Cooper who is the half brother of Nathan. Everything else will be cleared up at the story progresses. The main focus of this story is Haley and Nathan but there's a lot of emphasis on all the other characters as well because it affects everyone. So enjoy and leave me some love please!

Self-Conclusion

Slipping into the room quietly, she crawled in between the two tiny bodies, tucking their sleeping forms in the crook of her arms. With everything going on, she was thankful they could sleep through it all. Brushing her daughters bangs out of her face that she begged to get, and taking off her son's glasses that he despised, she sighed realizing that things were going to be a lot different now. It wasn't something she had been thinking about, but with everyone milling around downstairs, in their home, it was practically impossible not to when every time she turned around she was getting asked the same question.

_"What are you going to do now dear?"_

It wasn't always dear; it was always some variation of the sort. Like sweetie, or honey, or god forbid Hales. It was a lot easier when everyone called her that when her husband was alive. He was the one that dubbed her that to begin with and everyone just followed suit. It fit her, but it felt awkward and out of place now that she would never here it from her husband again. Staring straight up at the ceiling she frowned noticing the water stain that she had asked Cooper to fix _months_ ago. Of course it wasn't done. Which is why she still was without a garbage disposal, going on 4 months now. Which is why the railing on the porch was still about to fall off. Which is why that damn car was still sitting in her barn.

Cooper Lee couldn't finish what he started. Unless it was doing his job. She had stopped counting after fifty how many times he had run back into a burning building desperate to save anyone; determined not to rest until everyone was safe. It was his downfall, and in turn, her own. When he was eight, his tree house had caught fire and he had been rescued by a firefighter. From that day forward, he vowed to do the same. She knew it when she met him and it was something that just came with the turf. You marry a firefighter and you're bound to end up burned one way or another.

Pushing herself off the bed, she ambled to the closet, thumbing through his many shirts. He had to have all his shirts hanging up; otherwise they would be a scattered mess in the drawer. He owned so many; t shirts mostly, mostly dirty from playing in one thing or another. Even though he was pushing thirty, it never deterred him from being a big kid at heart. Tugging on some jeans and pulling one of his shirts off of a hanger she slipped out of her dress and into the shirt, inhaling his musky scent. He always smelled of smoke, even if he hadn't stepped foot by a fire in a week. Mixed with his cologne, it was one of the most intoxicating things she had ever smelled.

Stepping into the bathroom, she was hit with the reality of it all. She was wearing his t shirt. His running sneakers were still discarded by the toilet, a serious pet peeve of hers that she could never break him of. His toothbrush was still lying on the counter, not put up in its holder. His razor, along with his shaving cream was still sitting in the exact spot she had set them days earlier. Getting off from third shift, he liked to shower and shave before crashing into the bed so whenever she was getting ready in the morning she would lay everything out for him. Only he never made it home that night rendering the items completely useless.

She paused when she heard sniffling coming from her bathtub, and gently pulled the curtain back to reveal Peyton with knees to her chest. Without missing a beat, Haley stepped into the tub and shut the curtain, taking a seat opposite of the girl in front of her. As cousins, they had grown up more as sisters. Their moms were sisters, and their daughters had been born only days apart. Haley had held Peyton when her mother had died when they were sixteen and Peyton had returned the favor when Haley had to bury her father years back. Pushing her hand out, Peyton clutched onto it tightly, her quiet sobs continuing to wrack her entire body.

It was all Haley good do. Saying sorry to someone who had just lost someone was probably the most uncomforting thing anyone could ever do. Several minutes later, Peyton's sobs converted to sniffles and she looked up, swiping at her eyes but never letting go of Haley's hand. Losing her mother had been the hardest thing she ever thought she would have to endure. And it was, until she lost her father; her confidant, and one of her best friends. Everyone thought they lost something in that fire but few could actually claim to have lost so much.

"He's gone." Her voice came out hoarse and it was barely audible. "Why Haley?"

"I don't know sweetie." Haley spoke, her voice soothing but unconfident at the same time. She didn't know. Not even she could possibly grasp the realm of why anything. Life maybe? She didn't think she'd ever really know. She knew she didn't have the answers Peyton was searching for, because she didn't even have them for herself. Answers like those needed to be sought out by the person seeking them and that person alone.

"Haley?"

"Hmm?"

"Why haven't you cried?" Peyton asked, knowing she wouldn't get a straight answer. Haley was the toughest person she knew, but still, something, any kind of emotion was better than what she was not exhibiting.

Haley gulped, idly looking at her ring finger. "I cried." She affirmed, looking Peyton right in the eyes. "I cried the day Izzie was born. I cried the night Charlie was born. I cried when they said their first words and took their first steps. I cried because I was thankful he was there to see them. I'll cry when they graduate high school. I'll cry when they make their own babies. I'll cry because he won't be there to see them. Peyt, I married him, firefighter and all. It's not easy; it's so damn hard. I still have things to live for. I still have people to live for."

"Speaking of people," Peyton cleared her throat, not sure whether or not bring the particular subject up.

"I saw." Haley finished; her not being sure how she particularly felt about it. "It's nice he conveniently shows up after Cooper dies."

"Nathan has a lot of issues Haley. He always did."

Haley nodded, knowing far too well. One problem after another with Nathan seemed to take center stage when they were all in high school. Even though he was a year younger and not Cooper's biggest fan, they all ran in the same circles. She didn't know exactly why he did it, but he craved the attention, especially the negative. It didn't even surprise her when they all showed up for his graduation only to find out he had already skipped town. Tree Hill was small, at best, and it wasn't any surprise that it was too small for Nathan. She doubted the whole world was big enough for him.

"Peyton?"

Haley poked her head out of the curtain to see Chris in the doorway, concerned etched on his face. He gave her a look, one that begged to see if his wife was okay, and all Haley could give him was a smile that told him she wasn't. She closed the curtain, pulling her cousin into her arms, her slightly protruding belly coming between them. Giving her an Eskimo kiss, Peyton laughed hollowly, but attempted to smile nonetheless. Haley knew this was only going to get harder for Peyton has her pregnancy moved forward but Chris was a good man and a good husband and she was sure that this time around, Peyton was in excellent hands.

"Don't shut him out." Haley advised, helping Peyton stand on her own two feet. "I know you, and I know it'll be hard but he's here Peyton. He hasn't left you. He won't, not if he has anything to do with it. Trust me; they can be gone far too quickly."

Before Peyton could sputter out the response Haley knew she would make she was opening the curtain and handing her cousin off to Chris. Peyton glanced back at Haley as she was leaving the bathroom and Haley offered up no indication of what she was feeling or what she was thinking. To the outside world she appeared in shock and what scared her the most was that she knew perfectly well what was going on. Her husband was dead; gone, snatched away from her in the most quick and horrific way. Shutting the curtain once more she plopped down in the tub and rested her head against the cool tile. No, on the inside she was screaming.

X-x-X

Pushing her bangs out of her face with her forearm, Brooke slammed the tray on the counter as it burnt her fingertips. The appetizers were burnt anyway and she was sure no one wanted to eat anyway. With each stifling second, she was finding it harder and harder to pretend that she was okay. Letting out a deep breath, she placed the palms of her hands on the counter in front of her, suppressing ever urge to collapse in the middle of Haley kitchen and sob like a little child. Glancing up she noticed Rachel leaning on the doorframe, sadness darkening the red head's eyes.

"Hi."

Brooke returned the sad smile. "Hey."

"Is he really okay?" Rachel prodded, sitting down at the kitchen table as Brooke did the same. Tears were prickling but she stopped them before they got out of control. "I mean he said he's okay but is he really?"

"He's fine." Brooke assured her, patting her hand. Patient-doctor confidentiality be damned. "I was a little worried about his heart but he'll be okay."

"Until the next fire right?" Rachel chuckled bitterly, leaving Brooke with nothing left to say. "Then he'll go rushing back into another burning building. When Anna nearly lost Tim last month, I was with her when the car pulled up. She collapsed right there in my arms. It's the most helpless and terrifying thing I had ever gone through at that point. Until it happened to me."

"After my first year of residency, when Jake and I had just gotten engaged, I went to the Middle East for a summer. Jake begged me to stay because it's so dangerous over there. But it was something I wanted to do; and really it was something I had to do. I wanted to be a better doctor and I didn't want to lose sight of what being that really means. It was hard and scary and there was always a chance…" Brooke shook her head, squeezing Rachel's hand. "The point is, life happens. And Lucas is doing something great with his life. He using it to make sure others have one too. I'm not saying that makes it easier, or better, it's just what it is."

"Just the other night we were trying to have a baby." Rachel revealed, swiping at a few rogue tears. "We want a family and I know he'll make an amazing father. It's just now, with everything so," she motioned with her hands, "in our face, I just don't think I want that anymore. I'd admire Haley, so much, but it's going to be hard enough if I ever have to go through what she's going through. I can't imagine putting my children through that as well."

"Having children with the man you love," Brooke spoke softly cupping Rachel cheek and wiping away some of her tears. "Is better than not in the long run. You may lose Lucas or you may not. With children, you'll always have a part of him. It's something you want Rachel, and it's something you should have; especially since you're able to do it."

"Brooke." Rachel's pained voice was barely heard as the brunette quickly got up and started pulling things out of the fridge. It was a hopeless case, she knew, so she resigned herself to helping Brooke the only way Brooke would allow her at the moments. "Hand me the pies and I'll stick them in the oven."

Brooke gave her a grateful smile that held a double meaning. "Thanks."

X-x-X

Pulling up his pants leg, Nathan took a seat on the grass in front of his brother's resting place. Propping his forearms on his knees, his shook his head in pity. He and his brother were so different. He had spent his entire life running away from everything he had ever known while Cooper was content, happy, staying right where he was, facing everything he feared face on. Nathan was no coward, but he could admit that he could get pretty selfish. And putting his life on the line and in turn the livelihood of his family was something he wasn't really willing to do.

He guessed that made his brother a far better man.

Twisting his wedding band on his finger, his thoughts drifted to his brother's wife. _Widow_. He vaguely remembered her floating in and out of the house when she first started dating Cooper. But Nathan was again, selfish, and his only priority was causing as much trouble as he could before leaving the tiny town behind him. He didn't know her, but he knew she had to be something special for Cooper to stay in Tree Hill as well. Both brothers had bigger dreams outside of their existence and Nathan couldn't help but thing both had accomplished them despite the curveballs life threw them.

"It's surreal."

Nathan didn't even turn around. "It was only a matter of time."

"I see you packed light." Lucas nodded to the small bag to Nathan's left. "Guess you're not really planning on staying for that long."

"I've only settled twice in my life, and only one was worth it. I don't plan on ever doing that again." Nathan divulged cryptically. "Why the hell did they bury him?"

"I would have to assume that was you're mother's doing." Lucas answered, jiggling the change in his pockets awkwardly. "I think he would've wanted to be cremated. "

"I know that's what he would've wanted." Nathan snapped, clenching his eyes shut. "I swear, even in death he's forever trying to please everyone but him."

"You really have no clue." Lucas scoffed, staring at Nathan in disbelief. "You show up here after being gone over a _decade_ and assume you know the same man buried in the ground before you. Cooper did what made him happy. He loved every second of it. And what's more, is he loved his life. He loved his family. He was happy. You wanna know why we didn't cremate him? Because he decided with his _wife_, that if something were to ever happen to him, they wanted some place where his children could visit with him."

"You're right." Nathan surrendered, standing up and dusting himself off. "I just wanted to pay my respects, that's all."

"Well consider it paid in full Nathan." Lucas spat tiredly. "Go back to your big world because this town is literally falling apart and there's a lot of fixing to do. Trouble is not something we need any more of. And furthermore, heartache is not something you're family can handle any more of."

Nathan cleared his throat. "It's really that bad?"

"The plant was our livelihood." Lucas explained, wiping the sweat off his brow. "The majority of the men worked there and now it's gone. Not only did it hurt and kill a lot of people but it put entire family without any kind of income. There's nothing else here for them. People are packing up as we speak. Leaving…gone. It's been bad for a while now but this just kind of pushes everything home."

Nathan wasn't sure what to say after that and after a few moments he watched Lucas walk away. Moments later, he grabbed his bag and did the same. Saying goodbye was relative when he had been completely absent for so long. He hadn't even known about his niece and nephew until he had watched their father being placed in the ground. He knew he couldn't change the past, and the vast majority of him didn't. But it didn't mean he couldn't change the future and somehow make things right.


	3. Chaotic Resolve

**Enjoy :)**

Chaotic Resolve

Peyton hunched her shrinking frame over the canvas in front of her. Her curls obscured her view and the chalk in her hands were so worn down that it was merely blending into her hands but it didn't stop her movement across the canvas. Time, for the first time in days, seemed to be finally in motion and at a stand still all at once. She was thankful that she had something that she could incredibly immerse herself in; anything that would shut out the blank oblivion around her.

Her dad spent most of his time out at sea and she always assumed that he kept the house he bought for mother simply out of sentimental reasons. He would tell her stories of their house; the railing he broke on the front porch the night he had been sopping drunk and the kitchen cabinets he had painted seven times when they first moved in because her mother was unsure of what color she really wanted. He had been taking time off though, to repair the house and to help Peyton along with her pregnancy. And on the weekends he liked to volunteer at the fire station. In the end, he ended up being just another number; a hard casualty among the multitudes.

She set back and cocked her head to the side in observation of the work in front of her. Placing her hand on her belly she set down the last little bit of chalk and sighed. Today had at least brought no tears for once and she wasn't sure if she was grateful or even more saddened by that fact. When her mother had died years earlier, the grief that she had consumed her to no end. She had remained in that dark place for several years until she had finally met her husband.

Peyton didn't go to college; she had never been great at school and frankly, she couldn't picture wasting her time with the experience. She had drew comics for a local magazine since high school and eventually ended up working at a nightclub as a DJ. She had decided to throw an open mic night for a change of pace and upon hearing his voice floating from the stage, she felt the inkling of something she hadn't felt in so long.

Her mother had been such an amazing music junkie that at least once a week, the two would scour the local record store for new finds. Peyton found something absolutely transcendent about music, and lying next to her mother on the floor of their living room and having the feeling of finding a lyric that spoke to you, was simply the best it could get for her.

That feeling had long been turned to dust in the years since her mother had passed. But sitting in her DJ booth thumbing through music to play in between sets, and hearing the first strumming on his guitar she had felt it once again. Chris Keller was doing a cover of the 80s classic Missing You and Peyton felt like it was his voice singing that song that she had been missing out on her entire life.

"What's going on in that pretty little head of yours?"

Chris sauntered into the room and plopped down on the swivel chair in the corner. Peyton lovingly looked at her husband of a just a few years and allowed a small smile drop from the corner of her mouth. She would have never guessed that someone that she bickered with incessantly with at the record store over various music choices would become the great love of her life.

"Do you remember me coming into the store before we started dating?"

He smirked. "I remember fighting with you. You came in there every week and judged my music selections but never once bought anything." she nodded in agreement and Chris stretched out, capturing her hand in his. "Until I sang at Tric and you came in and bought that John Waite album. Someone wanted the Keller."

She laughed out loud, the sound foreign to her ears. She hadn't felt that light in days. It had been the first album she had bought since her mother had died. When her father had come over for dinner that night and saw the record on the kitchen counter, still wrapped up in the plastic bag he had kinked his eyebrow in amusement. Afterwards, when Peyton had been cleaning up she could hear the music floating throughout her house and found her father in the living room asking for a dance.

"I miss him." she spoke softly, her fingers lightly rubbing his palm, the chalk and graphite from her hands transferring to his. Despite years of playing guitar and the callouses that covered his fingers, she still had never felt softness like that in Chris's hands. "I got up this morning and took a shower. I curled my hair, and watered the vegetables out back. I ate some toast because my stomach was upset and I came up here and started drawing. And this whole time, I've been wondering what I always do every morning. 'I wonder what Larry's up to.' It's what I would do when he was out at sea, you know? Try to picture what he was doing at that moment. Mom and I would make up the most outlandish stories so that we felt closer to him. Even though I only lived a block away, the routine never went away. "

"I think he's having coffee with John Lennon" Chris quipped and gave a Peyton a warm smile. He pulled her towards him and settled her into his lap. Clasping his hands over her belly, he kissed the crook of her neck. "Personally, I don't know what he had against Elvis, but everyone is entitled to one fault, I suppose"

"How do you do that?" she murmured, sinking back into her torso. "You're always pulling me out of my darkness just when I feel it creeping back in. He always admired you. Did you know that?"

"He did?" Chris asked, a rare moment his arrogance wasn't front and center. "What could he possibly admire in a big haired kid who collects records for a living?"

Peyton twisted her body to face him, cupping his face in her hands. "All those years I spent drowning after my mom died and all his years at sea and he couldn't manage to ever get a life ring to me. Then you come along, all big haired and cocky and suddenly his little girl could breathe again."

"When I asked him for his permission to marry you..."

"Wait." Peyton placed a hand on his chest, her eyebrows furrowing. "You asked his permission to marry me?"

"Well Peyt, I'm an idiot, but I'm no fool." Chris scoffed playfully. "You worshiped your dad. You weren't going to marry me without his blessing."

"Maybe..."

"No." Chris shook his head and chuckled. "That's definitely not a thing that would have happened. He told me he wasn't sure about me but that you lit up around me they way you did when you feel in love with a new record and that was something he wanted to get used to seeing again."

"He was a good dad." she said softly, a ghost of a smile appearing across her face. Even in his death, she could still feel his influence in her life. "You will be too."

Chris tightened his grip on Peyton slightly. "I'm sorry the baby won't get to know him."

"The baby will know him." she resolved, her gaze flickering over to the canvas she had been working on moments earlier. There in the center was a portrait of her father and her mother, the only one she had ever drawn. "Both of them."

x-X-x

Haley slowly flipped the sign on the cafe door to show they were closed and headed towards the back. It was her first shift back at the cafe since the funeral and although Karen had insisted she take off more time, Haley wouldn't allow it. She needed to get back into the routine of actually living while she still remembered what it felt like. The days had blurred together in a revolving door of people and tears and words and casseroles that she just couldn't take anymore.

For their entire married life, Cooper and her rarely spent more than two hours sleeping side by side. It was something she had unfortunately gotten used to over time. In fact, she often slept worse when Cooper was in the bed beside her. She would always grumble and complain about it but he would wink with his sexy eyes and smirk with his damn near perfect lips and suggest losing sleep in more fun ways and it didn't seem to matter anymore.

Cooper was exhausting. There was very little times he was not going 100 miles per hour, while Haley had simply been along for the ride. She enjoyed their small life and their little family and while it wasn't the world she had one imagined living in, she had been thankful and blessed for it nonetheless. Now, with her husband gone, she was once again living a very different life than the one she had envisioned and she was suddenly feeling very disconnected and out of place.

Haley spun at the jingle of the bell over the door as it gently swung open. Just as she was about to say they were closed, the words died in her throat. For a brief second, and in the darkness of the shadows she would have worn it was her husband standing before her. Once she blinked and saw it was Nathan, she sunk into one of the bar stools and sighed. She hadn't been that close to Nathan when they were younger and it was odd to think of him as her brother in law; as family.

"Somebody told me that this the place where everything's better and everything's safe." he spoke, his hands wringing around each other. Haley's eyes drifted to the painted quote above his head and nodded. She motioned for him to come forward and walked around the counter to pour them a cup of coffee. Ultimately she decided on the bottle of whiskey she had stashed beneath the counter and offered him a seat and a glass.

Her first instinct was anger; a stage she had yet to move past in her grief. And Nathan was an easy target. She hadn't known him well from high school and she sure as hell didn't know the man that stood before him this evening. A lot of people likened him to a coward, but surprisingly it was always Cooper who defended his estranged baby brother. He considered Nathan brave enough to go after what he really wanted, even if it didn't match up with everyone's expectations.

"Mrs. Lee." Nathan held up his cup in a toast and Haley clinked her glass to his. "To Cooper."

Haley gulped down the harsh liquid. "It's James. I kept my maiden name."

Nathan stared at her for several moments. He hadn't known. He didn't even know Cooper well enough to be toasting him or mourning him, but all the same he was there. He hadn't planned on staying more than a day but then a day turned into two and pretty soon he had been there for week now. He hadn't visited his parents but the thought of getting to know Cooper even in death had intrigued him. Besides that, he wasn't sure what he had to get back to anymore that would merit him leaving again.

"Haley Lee just didn't do it for you?" he finally mused, a smirk forming on his face. She scowled at him for a pause before busting out in laughter. He joined her, taking a large gulp from his drink. "I didn't think Cooper would ever settle down and then you came along and suddenly he was sifted into neutral."

"Cooper was always in overdrive." Haley scoffed, shaking her head. Nathan looked at her thoughtfully."So when are you heading back out?"

"I was thinking about sticking around for a little while." he said and waited for her reaction. When he didn't get much of one, he continued. "I'd like to meet them."

"Have you seen your parents yet?" Haley questioned, ignoring his request for the time being. "It's a small town. Of course they know you're here."

Nathan thought for a moment before forming his words. It wasn't that he didn't get along with his parents or even Cooper for that matter; he just never seemed to mesh well into their world. His father had been a basketball protege and despite his best efforts to mold and shape Nathan into the same, he never succeeded. His mother had been always wonderful and his parents had a decent marriage. The fact remained that even though Cooper was the one with the different father, Nathan had always felt like the outsider in their family. Now with Cooper gone, he wasn't sure where he exactly fit.

"Who called you?" Haley attempted once again in her line of questioning. It had been so long she she had any real interaction with him, that she was still trying to get a read of him. "Had to of been someone right? This isn't exactly headline news."

"Brooke called me." Nathan confessed and Haley nodded tersely. "It's not like that. Brooke and I haven't been into each other since high school."

"But you dated all through high school, Nathan."

"And then she grew up." Nathan shot back. "Look, we all know how I was back then. I didn't have any direction or future; I just wanted to live in the now. And Brooke wanted that for a while, too. Eventually though she wanted more than just now. I couldn't give more than that though. I know she's married to your brother and she's happy. I know now what she was searching for all along. I've had it, so I know how much it means."

"Fair enough." Haley threw her hands up in mock surrender. Idly, she mulled over his last statement but ultimately let it go. "Their names are Charlie and Izzy, by the way. The kids, I mean. Cooper talked about you a lot to them." she laughed hollowly. "Who am I kidding. Cooper just talked too damn much period."

"Feels weird, right?" he asked and she cocked her head to the side, not quite understanding. "Talking about him as if he's gone."

"_What's a guy gotta do to get a cup of coffee around here?"_

_Haley smiled, dropping the dishes she was washing back into the soapy water. "Well it helps if he smiles and tips real nice."_

_He slapped the counter in front of him, a wide grin spread across his face. "Sign me up pretty lady."_

"_Do you want some breakfast?" she asked, setting a cup on the counter and pouring the steaming liquid to the brim. She slid the creamer and sugar across the counter and leaned against it. _

"_Do you have a menu?" he winked, pouring the sugar generously into the cup. "Does your husband tell you how pretty you are?"_

"_Yes. He used to." she murmured softly, as she straightened up. "Don't do this, Cooper."_

_He remained undeterred. "Used to, eh? What happened?" he took a timid sip of his coffee and patiently awaited her answer. She swallowed hard as she felt the tears greasing her eyes. "Come on. I'm a good listener, I promise."_

"_He died." she always choked on the words, not matter how often she had said them out loud. It was almost as if she was speaking a foreign language for the first time, each time. "I'm a widow."_

_He looked at her then, always as if it were the last time he was going to look at her. "Hey, no tears this time. That's an improvement."_

"_Cut it out, Cooper." she snapped, attempting to stomp past him. He snaked his arms around her waist pulling her into lap. "Why do you put me through this?"_

"_Because," he pushed her hair back from over her shoulder and kissed the crook of her neck. "One day, I may not be here to do this and make it all okay. One day, this moment may come for the first time for you and suddenly this past will be your present."_

"_I'm pregnant." the tears she had been keeping at bay, finally released against her will. "Maybe it'll be a boy this time."_

_He gingerly lifted her on the counter and settled between her legs. He lifted up her shirt and kissed her still flat stomach. "You, and our family is all I could ever ask for. You've made this life such a happy one and I love you for it."_

She still felt awkward talking about Cooper in the past tense even though he had tried to prepare her. When he had first gotten certified to be a firefighter he had made her play that game with him after each shift. He would come home and over breakfast would force Haley to talk about him as if he were gone. Often, he would pretend to be a customer at the cafe asking about her husband and she would have to explain that she no longer had one. At first she couldn't make it through one sentence without crying and yelling at him until it became more of an annoyance than anything. Eventually, when it became almost second nature to go into the spiel, Cooper put his hand over hers and told her that it was okay, they would live in the present now.

"He is gone." she whispered sadly. Her eyes cut towards him harshly. "And where the hell do you get off? There are people here that have been with him every single day of his life. Now you come back a week into his death and pretend like you're in mourning?"

"He was my brother, Haley!"

"Brother?" she laughed, disbelieving. "That's convenient to throw around now that you don't have to follow through with anything."

He shoved the stool he was sitting on away from the counter in frustration. "I get that I have made some decisions in my life that people like you and my parents wouldn't necessarily understand. Coop, he did though. Who do you think gave me the money to get the hell out of Tree Hill?"

She shook her head and scoffed. "God dammit, Cooper."

"He wanted to stay for you, I understood that. But don't you think that he was far bigger than this place?"

There had never been anyone to fill her heart like Cooper Lee had. She knew that it was the same for him, but admittedly Nathan was right. Their marriage had been long and tough and she wasn't sure that if she hadn't been pregnant with their daughter that their shotgun wedding would have ever taken place. They had loved each other, yes; almost to the point of insanity. It was hard to digest now, after years together and a life shared but when they were teenagers and talking of their futures it had always been envisioned separate from one another.

"He always wanted to be a fire fighter." she finally said after a small eternity of silence. She wouldn't give Nathan the satisfaction of allowing him to be right. He hadn't been there for the bulk of his brother's life. "He wasn't like you; floating around and in and out people's lives. He grounded himself and made a home and life here. Ultimately, that was what he wanted all along. He didn't have to leave Tree Hill to get that."

"Haley, we knew two totally different men." Nathan said harshly and for a brief moment Haley entertained the idea that he may have been more in tuned with Cooper than she could ever be. "And I am mourning. Regardless of our relationship or lack there of, he was still my brother."

"Trust this, Nathan. Cooper's life will be mourned for a very long time and his absence will both be felt and missed. Yours however?" she came around the counter and stood in front of him. "Everyone mourned for you far too many years ago. Life moved on without you because it could. Now, I have two little children who no longer have that life anymore and I'm not even sure the world will keep on moving. But I have keep it moving for them."

"Then let me help you."


	4. Trying Times

**A/N: Thanks for the kind words for the last chapter. I hope this story picks up some momentum. I enjoy writing it. **

**For those waiting for a update on You'll Ask for Me, I am working on but I'm having a bit of writer's block. **

**Feedback is appreciated. Enjoy :)**

Trying Times

The days were blurring together at this point. Seconds blended into minutes and hours and somehow she found herself now, looking into a mirror, a widow for a week now. Time was always a tricky thing; she had always truncated it into the routine of her life. 24 hours on, 48 off: Cooper's work schedule. 10 hours, 6 days: her shift at the cafe. 8 hours, 5 days: Izzy's school schedule. 2 hours: Charlie's daily nap. 60 minutes meals from Betty Crocker. Half hour lovemaking. 15 minutes time outs. The seconds it took her to kiss him goodbye for the last time.

The instant it was all taken away.

Her hands gripped the pedestal sink, her knuckles turning white to blend in with the porcelain. They always told everyone who admired their home that it was the rustic and turn of the century charm that had made them fall in love with it in the first place. The truth was, the dilapidated farm house was all they could afford using their collective college fund for a down payment and low enough mortgage payments for their meager earnings. They had poured so much time and money into it and after several months and just a breathe away from their having their first child, they could call it home.

Blood, sweat, and tears weren't the only thing that they had poured into. Their souls and marriage and love could be traced throughout the hallways and rooms. She could still recall their many dinners by candlelight on the living room floor because they hadn't bought a couch or table for that matter and had wanted to save on electricity. She had laughed as she watched him get drunk off cheap wine as she gingerly sipped on warm milk. Morning, noon, and night sickness plagued her all throughout her first pregnancy and it was the only thing that seemed to settle her stomach. They had brought home both their children to that house; their height marks were still visible on the door leading to the kitchen pantry. Their marriage had suffered and nearly broken apart and had been mended back in that home.

She splashed some of the cold running water on her face and cupped some in her palm to drown the pills nestled on her tongue down her throat. She had always been very much anti- against anything that contained anti-anything. Anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, anti-psychotics, anti-feel a damn thing at all and deal with it. So while she watched her mother in law sink herself into oblivion with all the anti's she had decided to push right on through. Her head however, was constantly feeling bogged down and muddled and the constant battle to persevere left her with a lot of migraines.

"Haley, sweetie?"

Haley turned the water off, braced herself, and turned to face her mother in law. "Hey, Deb."

"I have the kids settled with lunch. Is there anything else you need from me?" her body was snacked around the frame of the door, her hand clutching the molding tightly. Her short blonde hair was in a perfect coif, as if it was the only thing that was remotely stable on her. "I could stay and whip them up some dinner..."

"No." Haley shook her head and dried off her hands. She gave Deb a tight smile. She followed the older woman's eyes down to where Cooper's boots still stumbled over the base of the sink. "I can take it from here, thank you."

"It smells like him, you know." her nose twitched and her eyes blinked back a few tears. "Like the cologne I bought him for Christmas."

Haley bit her tongue to hold back her remarks. She and Deb had never been especially close; they had started off on okay terms as she saw Haley as someone who could keep Cooper in neutral albeit only shortly. Things went sour once they got married and pregnant right out of high school like poster children for the Deb and Dan Show part two. It took nearly the past decade to mend what little relationship they had, and with Cooper no longer in the picture they were now at such a standstill that it was almost a regression.

The bathroom didn't smell like Cooper. It smelled like the off brand apricot shampoo that she had picked up at the Dollar General on sale. It smelled of her make up foundation and the Estee Lauder perfume that Cooper always splurged on for her birthday or anniversary or Christmas; whenever she was just about to run out. It smelled vaguely of the bathroom cleaner she had sprayed into the toilet that morning to scrub away the ring that had settled around the rim. Cooper had in fact, only ever worn the cologne she spoke off when they had went to their weekly family dinners at the patriarch Scott's abode. He had hated the smell but had wanted to please his mother.

It occurred to her that maybe Cooper was exactly to everyone what they expected him to be. She had wanted to believe that he was the man he wanted to be with her, that their marriage and love and children were everything to make him a sated man and a man he enjoyed being. But with Nathan's words still echoing in her head and viewing him through the lens of his mother's eyes, she was beginning to wonder if Cooper had been anything like he wanted to be. Maybe that was the great tragedy in his horrific death: he hadn't really began to live at all.

Haley snatched one of Cooper's flannel shirts that was still hanging on the bathroom door and slung it around her shoulders and around her white tank top. She scooped her long auburn locks out from behind the collar and felt them settle heavily on her back. Inhaling deeply, she smiled to herself as she realized that this did in fact smell like Cooper Lee. Egyptian musk and smoke and even a little bit of gasoline invaded her senses and for just a moment she could feel herself wrapped in his embrace.

"Nathan is in town." Haley informed Deb. And odd mixture of shock, relief, and anger flashed across her face. She had debated telling Deb at all for the better part of the day, but ultimately decided that selfishly it was better to shift the focus on him as opposed to talking about her dead husband. She glided past Deb into her adjoined bedroom and sat on her bed as she slipped on an old pair of Chuck Taylor's. "I get the impression he's going to stick around for a while."

Deb slowly turned toward Haley, her body slumped against the wall between the bathroom and her dresser. She rubbed her arms woodenly as if their was a chill. "What gave you that idea? I mean, when did you see him?"

"He came in the cafe last night." Haley shrugged. "I told him to go see you and Dan, but I suppose that he didn't heed my advice."

"Nathan was always a bit of a rebel." Deb sighed and sunk into the chair at Haley's vanity. "He and Dan didn't end up on such great terms all those years ago. I didn't expect him to exactly send postcards once he left." she opened her mouth to speak but closed it and pursed her lips. "How?"

"Brooke." Haley offered up the explanation to the vague question Deb had asked. She couldn't pretend she wasn't still miffed that they had kept in touch all this time and had only returned now. "I guess now was as good as time as any to come home."

"Nathan wouldn't have come home unless he was ready; regardless of Cooper's death."

"He seems different."

Deb nodded and looked directly at Haley. "Death will do that to you."

They were interrupted by Izzie opening up the bedroom door. Admittedly, it was hard looking at her first born; a daughter that resembled so much of Cooper. Her eyes and nose were shaped like his and even the freckles on her body seemed to fall in the same place as her fathers. They even shared the same birthmark; a small splotch behind their right knee that resembled a strawberry. Izzie took after her father in personality as well. They each had such a zest for life and adventure and Haley had given up long ago counting the scars Izzie wore as a result of her rough and tumble life.

"Hey sweetheart." Deb greeted, crossing the room and wrapping her arm around Izzie's shoulder. "How was lunch?"

The face Izzie made did not go unnoticed by Haley but she quickly recovered and fibbed to her grandmother. "It was yummy. I really liked the cheese you used."

A people pleaser, too Haley noted. She mentally tacked that on the list of qualities Izzie shared with Cooper.

"What's up Iz?"

"Can you help me with my homework, Mom?"

"Sure, kid." Haley winked and turned her head upwards to Deb. "Thanks again, Deb. I'll see you tomorrow at the cafe?"

"Sure thing." Deb nodded and leaned down to kiss Izzie. "See you later kiddo."

Izzie tossed her book on the bed once Deb had descent down the stairs and plopped down on her stomach beside Haley. She had been pensive and withdrawn since the funeral and it wasn't at all surprising to Haley. The child had been inconsolable that day but once the tears had dried so had all the emotion. She idly wondered if putting on a brave front for her children was necessarily the good thing to or if she should encourage them to grieve in their own ways. As it stood, Haley herself had still yet to shed a single tear over the death of her husband the father on her children.

She tucked a strand of hair behind Izzie's ear. "Do you remember when you were little and Daddy nailed those boards underneath your window?"

"In case of a fire." Izzie provided, opening up her school book and swallowing hard. "Yea, I remember."

"And do you remember the game we would play? You know, what if there was a fire? What if Mommy was hurt? What if you saw a stranger?" Haley continued, her eyes searching for the kid her daughter was a week ago instead of the grown up she was trying to be now.

"What if Daddy died?" Izzie continued, her bottom lip pulled between her teeth and her voice low. Haley hesitated before placing her hand on Izzie's back and rubbing soothing circles. She was so much older than what an eight year old should be. She looked up expectantly at Haley. "Now what, Mom? It was a stupid game."

"Did I ever tell you about the time when you were a baby and you got so sick that I had to take you to the hospital?" Izzie shook her head and turned her attention back to her book. "Yeah, Iz, it was bad. You had a severe fever and I called your dad from the emergency room. He was training then and he came busting into the ER in full gear and I had never seen him so scared. And you know your dad, he was fearless."

Izzie's hair fell down across her face as her head bent lower. "We didn't know anything for a long time. We didn't even say anything to each other; all we could do was hold onto each other and hope that it was enough to bring you back to us healthy. After was seemed like a small eternity he looked at me and said 'What if we lost her, Hales?'." Izzie's head shot up and Haley cupped her cheeks, her fingers soaking in the dampness from her daughter's tears. "I know this seems endless right now, baby, that emptiness inside of you. And your dad, he was always a little more protective over you after that day. Even though you ended up just fine. As parents, we're supposed to be unprepared to lose our children so all we can do it protect and love and support you and hope that you outlive us so that we don't have to go through that grief. He wanted you to outlive him, baby but not this soon. It was too soon."

The little girl leaped into her mother's arms, inhaling both her mother's shampoo and her father's cologne all at once. Haley wondered if it would be one of the last times that Izzie would be connected to the two of them as she was right now. Her daughter's sobs wracked her entire frame and Haley could feel the tears marching into her shirt with an unrelenting vengeance. Without permission, she could feel her own tears prickling at the back of her eyes and blinked furiously to try and keep them at bay. When she finally succumbed and cried over the death of her husband, she scooped Izzie but by her knees and cradled her in her lap, her fingertips feeling the slight indention of her strawberry birthmark.

"He's always with you Iz, I promise."

x-X-x

"Your heart is beating a little fast."

"It's what happens when I'm around you."

He kissed her softly and she sighed and removed her palm from his chest. He gave her a lopsided grin and pulled his shirt back over his torso. Pulling her coat off of the chair she shrugged it back onto her shoulders and slipped her wedding band back on her finger. He stood up and sauntered over to her, his arms wrapping around her waist and burying his head into her crook of her neck. She settled in his chest the steady, albeit rapid, beating of his heart beating against her back.

"I'm so glad you're okay." she murmured, a deep promise in her voice. She spun in his arm and ran hand around his neck as her fingers moved through his hair. "The thought of losing you..."

"Hey, hey now, Pretty girl." Lucas ran his hand the length of Brooke's raven hair, fingering the soft curls along the way. "I have an excellent doctor and she is taking great care of me."

She searched the eyes of the blonde in front of her, eyes so much unlike those of her husband and found herself feeling as she did every time; completely revolted with herself. The contrast between the man she was sleeping with and the man she fell asleep with so so vast that it never escaped her. Every time was the last time, she promised herself but since she had been presented with a very real goodbye she was unprepared for the week before, she felt herself clutching even more than ever.

In high school, she had dated Nathan Scott for the duration. There was something mysterious and fun about him and had hooked her ever since freshman year. He was her first real love and she had envisioned a life and a home and a family with him all before she had lost her virginity to him the night of her sixteenth birthday. There was always something missing, not only from their relationship but from him and by extension, even her. While she worked diligently towards the future with college and med school on the agenda, Nathan stood rooted in place, stuck in his own time warp.

She never fully got over the heartache of losing him, and she doubted that anyone ever really did get over their first love. It wasn't until her last year of college and coming home for Thanksgiving did she give in to any advances by another guy since Nathan. Jake James had been her best friend's baby brother and as far as she was concerned that's all he would amount to in her eyes. But when he stumbled into the family dining room half way through dinner, his cheeks bright pink from the cold and his hair falling in unruly curls down his face did she notice him in a different light.

They had spent the weekend bonding over hot cocoa and cheesy horror movies, finding every mundane opportunity to touch one another. She didn't know what exactly had shifted the dynamic between them and expanded their connection past Haley but when it came time to say goodbye and head back to school, she felt a wave of sadness overcome her and the thought of leaving him behind. So she did what she thought would do the trick, launching herself into his arms at the last minute and kissing him hard. It was sloppy and awkward and their teeth hit on two separate occasions but she could tell by his smile when they finally broke apart that she had hooked him all the same.

The long distance relationship was hard but they had endured the test of time and distance and had married only two years prior at the start of Brooke's residency. He had followed her to med school and waited for her as she traveled the world and now at the end of a long day she could still rely on him to slip off her shoes and rub the soles of her feet. Their marriage and relationship was ideal; everything she had ever hoped and dreamed of in a husband and companion from the time she was a little girl.

"Where's your head at?" Lucas tilted her chin upwards to meet his lips once again. He noticed her wince at the contact. "Brooke, talk to me."

She pulled away from him, the husband of one of her closest friends and walked around her desk to place distance between them. She wasn't in love with Lucas. She could only explain their affair from her end as a way to self destruct and release herself from the hand that fate had dealt her months previous. Still, she cared for him in a way that didn't make sense to her and when he was among the many unknowns from the tragedy the week before she had felt like a widow in the making herself as she waited for the news treating many of the other victims.

"I, uh," her voice was thick and almost lumpy in her throat. She didn't know why she was so unsure of herself around him all the time. "I think we should end this."

He tilted his head to the side and eased himself calmly into the chair in front her desk. "What's going on? Is this because of the fire? Brooke, I know this was hard for everyone..."

"No!" she didn't scream, but there a certain absolute in the timbre of her voice as she interrupted him. "We're married, Lucas. And not to each other. This had gone on far too long."

"But, I need you."

They were the same words she had said to him their first night together all those months ago. She had just discovered devastating news and had been inconsolable in her office for hours past the end of her shift. Her husband was out of town on business; he wrote sports for the local paper and had to follow up on a story at Notre Dame. Lucas had been in the hospital bringing in a victim from a car accident and had softly knocked on her office door before letting himself in without permission. They had always been friends, even good friends so when he had held her for some time, whispering comforting words and rubbing her back softly, she felt immediately at ease. When he kissed her, she found herself kissing back unable to stop herself.

"I don't understand, how, after everything you can just say this is over." he started again once she didn't respond. She remained quiet and stoic. "Brooke!"

"It was all a terrible mistake." she gulped, the situation feeling very much like when he had to tell a patient she was dying from cancer or letting a husband know that his wife had died despite her efforts. Her office was a pit of despair and grief and she felt as if the walls were thickly coated the tears and sorrow of everyone who had lost something there; like she had months before, like now. "I was in a bad place then. But after all this tragedy, and seeing Haley trying to overcome this awful thing and I look at Jake and I just can't anymore. I can't lose him; not like Haley lost Cooper, not in any way. And certainly not over this."

She watched the hurt and anger flicker across his face. "Losing me like that is no problem though, right?"

"Lucas, come on. I was so afraid for you and I thought I was going to pass out from relief knowing that you were essentially okay." she pushed her hands through her hair as Lucas hung his head and shook it bitterly. "I love Jake. I want my marriage to work, no matter what happens."

"You said you needed me, too." Lucas stood up and began pacing. "That night, you said you needed me. You wanted me all this time and you know it."

"I did." she confirmed and stood up making the quick strides to his side. She latched onto his arms and forced him to be still. "I did need you that night and even these last few months but not in a healthy way." she licked her lips hesitantly. "Luke, that night, you never asked me what was wrong."

He looked at her then, his face twisting into that of concern and confusion. "No, I guess we never did get around to that."

She could still feel the emotion trapped in her from that day. The grief that still consumed her, even now. Even now, she wanted to get lost in the idea of him and their no expectation union.

"I had just found out that I couldn't give my husband any children."


End file.
